It’s Revengecast, the only podcast on the internet that takes two months to tell you what happened two days ago in a TV that went off the air two years back and, as if to add self-interested insult to our laggardly delay, we specifically recorded this to remind you that our 24-hour charity stream for Planned Parenthood is coming up on November 4th!
But also, Revengecast!
It’s been a while! What to catch you up on? Well, let’s see, this so-called “Chillcast,” proves to be anything BUT as we dip our toes right into Emily’s long-held fantasy of boudoir cauterization. Oh, would that it were my long-lost love that were holding this red-hot poker, Niko, and not the daughter of the man who my long-lost love murdered. What was that? I didn’t say anything. MAKE WITH THE CAUTERY, MURDER NURSE.
It’s just not Emily that’s feeling the stings of a love lost (which is definitely not actually burgeoning sepsis). Why, Notorious Slime Lizard Conrad Grayson’s so heartbroken in the departure & wrongful police pursuit of Lydia Davis–that, again, he planned to have happen, but it didn’t happen in the way he planned it to have happened–and throwing away first editions of rare poems like Allegories R Us is going out of business. Likewise, Margaux is stripped from her Common People (Like You) bliss to discover the wrenching loss of control that happens in a publication when your under-paid, under-appreciated assistants are forced to accept task rabbit side gigs from the aforementioned Slime Lizards, bent on fomenting and resolving their own libel cases faster than an afternoon nine on the golf course, just to make ends meet. Boy, running a magazine sure is tough!
And Margaux’s not the only one who wants to sleep with Common People (Like You). Who else is sauntering by this big old horse triptych we call life? It’s Sarah Marie Clemenzo Marciano Soprano Mikey Sonny Vito Corleone Paddingtonbeara! Who, thusly elevated into high society, just wants to sip her powerade by the pool in peace without the constant interruptions of the housewife (Emily) whose househome (Grayson Manor) she’s wrecking by sleeping with her househusband (Danny). Is it too much to ask for a girl from the other side of the tracks to make a nice Càprésé Sàlàd and Pàstà Prïmávérà for her infidelitous beau without her mom showing up to put her doughy hands on her dowdy hips and talk some jibber-jabber like Sarah Marie Clemenzo Marciano Soprano Mikey Sonny Vito Corleone Paddington Bear I DID NOT RAISE YOU TO BE A HOME RAKER. :<
Maaaaa! >.< She’s snowing you! >.<; She’s snowing you right into ruining our romantic dinner–and after I made all this nice GÁBBÁGÖÖL and everything!!! >.<;;;;;;;
Would that we all had long-suffering mamans to watch over us when we’re straying from our moral compasses, maybe then we wouldn’t have to BURN OUR BULLET-RIDDLED TUMMIES WITH SEARING CAST IRON so we could resume our CONVOLUTED REVENGE PLANS OF QUESTIONABLE MERIT without the constant interruption of our laughably mortal flesh begging for even a moment’s convalescence.
Otherwise, Patrick, digging a little too deeply into matters beyond his ken, peels back the flesh of Victoria’s weathered scars, forcing your humble Revengecast to Get Kinda Real for a few minutes, but that never lasts long. In the midst of Nolan and Aiden hurling themselves at mach 5 speed into a Weekend at Bernie’s-style comedy of errors) of “keep our new roommate (who is skinning a dozen mangos in the kitchen right feckin’ now