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This show also known as: Cybernetic Eyebrow Enhancement.

Oh! There’s actually some serious Fez spoilers in this! So be careful! Also, obviously, Deus Ex DLC spoilers. We spoil the hell out of that.

Music Selection: Yeah, I used the music from the second boss fight just like I did on our last Deus Ex podcast big deal wanna fight about it?

This show is about:

Slowly unraveling the mystery.

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This show also known as: We Need to Put Some Hydraulics On These Sharks.

Shuten Doji. You think it it’s gonna be normal at first but… actually what the hell am I saying. A girl gets kidnapped and has her body stolen in like the first fifteen minutes.

(I put that tapestry thing in on purpose, CALLBACKS)

Music Selection: No music. I saw the opportunity to end this old-school Fast Karate style.

This show is about:

Here’s the video for Ajay’s kickstarter. Please consider donating! Check it out here.

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This show also known as: The Willow Principle

WATCH OUT because there’s some pretty severe Legend of Grimrock end boss spoilers up in this piece. But honestly, do you really care about being spoilered about the last boss of a dungeon crawler? Get over yourself!

Music Selection: I THINK I CAN I THINK I CAN I THINK I CAN.

This show is about:

Watch out, bro! There’s some serious last boss spoilers in this video!

When last we spoke, we were with this jerk:

About to fight this jerk:

We pretty much handled it like this:

Well… we “handled it like this” after several reloads where the troll murdered Malborn.

(or I burned him to death)

Found some dumb gem in the troll’s treasure cache:

Then Malborn (the elf) and Etienne (the prisoner we saved) wander off without another word. Of thanks, that is. Malborn is not speechless. In fact, he’s quick to complain that he ruined his life by assisting us and will have to go into hiding.

Super King is like “Uh, what? Nobody here invited you on this mission so if you got a problem you can take it up with the boss. Who is… that innkeeper lady in that town, I guess. I don’t know, I don’t regularly keep tabs on who is or is not the boss because it’s almost always me and that’s easy to remember.”

Super King plays it cool, but once Malborn and the other guy are out of sight he sublimates his roiling agression by fricasseeing a couple of helpless goats.

Their carcasses are, inexplicably, “empty.”

So I guess there’s no goat meat in Skyrim?

Back in the inn we tell Delphine all the stuff Etienne told us. I have pretty much already forgotten it, but Super King has a prodigious memory (for things that will allow him to accrue more cash-money).

I guess there’s some guy we have to talk to? Some old guy? The Thalmor take issue with him, which makes him our friend since… well, I don’t have any specific beef with them, other than the fact that they keep assaulting me with fiery spirits summoned from the ether.

And we’re totally gonna get right on that whole Esbern thing, boss!

Just as soon as we check out this sweet mead hall

Where people spend all their time having shirtless fistfights

So OBVIOUSLY we want to join up. Not because we like fighting, which we do, but more because, statistically, 50% of the people in these fist fights are gonna be CHICKS and they’re gonna be SHIRTLESS.

We don’t divulge our reasons to the recruiter.

Oh Lydia, can’t take you anywhere.

While pillaging their every last possession, we come upon a book that really speaks to us.

I’m starting to think we’ve found our people.

“finding our people” does not dissuade Super King from robbing them blind, he’s just more circumspect about it than he usually is.

Translation: we steal less baskets.

And they got some weird stuff to steal for a cult that pretty much is just about punching each other! Like… like Ice Wraith teeth!

Sooooo… what’s more horrifying? That Ice Wraiths exist, which I certainly did not know, or that they have spectral, floating teeth?

While wandering, we overhear choice trivia bits.

Okay… so… pretty weird, between that and the Ice Wraith teeth, but, uh… we’re still willing to give you guys a shot. It’s getting late in the semester and we still haven’t pledged…

We finally find the specific old guy we’re supposed to talk to and he tells us to go outside and beat up some guy.

At least, that’s what “see what he can do” means to me. We’re gonna beat this guy to hell.

YEAH. LET’S DO THIS. GETTIN’ PSYCHED BRO.

Turns out “let’s do this” is stupid fight club code for “block while I hit you a couple times”

Which is some bullshit.

Of course, nobody sent me the memo, so we run around the arena blasting him with fireball hands while his health bar regenerates and I’m like “man, this is a tough fight!”

Whatever

Lydia senses our rage and keeps beating on him even after his test is finished. I appreciate your spirit! You go girl!

But I guess it’s a bug. Since combat didn’t have an official conclusion (i.e.: no one died [regrettably]), Lydia can never leave combat and is stuck in an eternal battle of beating the hell out of this guy who is just leaning against the wall.

It’s kind of poetic, if you think about it man.

Super King is like “fuck poetry.” Which is not a claim about the value of poetry as an art form so much as it is a claim on his favorite mode of poetry, of which there is none on display here.

So after a reload where we tell Lydia to “wait outside,” which seems kind of patriarchal to us and makes even Super King feel a little awkward, so he has to be all like “this is not a comment on the relative power imbalances of the genders, even in a seemingly gender egalitarian place like Skyrim, I am requesting (not ordering) you to wait here so it doesn’t bug the game because I’m really interested in where this quest line is going.

To which Lydia, in her taciturn way, responds: “I am sworn to carry your burdens.”

So I’m like fine. whatever. just wait.

This time we get it right, Super King picks Lydia up, and the psycho-cult/fight-club guy tells us to bring a broken sword to some dude to get fixed and I wanna be like “and then we get to the fight club part?” but the look he gives Super King tells us everything. He knows. He knows.

So we head off to deliver the blade. But, uh, we misread the mini-map and wander off into the wilds.

Where we find a dragon!

Fuck yes, DRAGON FIGHT.

And then it falls down dead in front of us before we even do anything.

I guess there was a nearby guard tower peppering it with arrows.

While no one is looking, we saunter over to the dragon corpse and very casually start sticking enormous dragon bones into our pockets.

I’m sure no one will mind. I mean, we helped, technically. I probably shot an arrow at it. You guys saw it! This arrow, this one right here! That was mine!

Uh… no?

Lydia:

Run.

I am sworn to carry your burdens.

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This show also known as: Fart it out.

Master of the Martial Hearts is about “girls fighting to eradicate each other’s clothing.” And also pretty much just about being fucked up and shitty. Also, we get into some internet real sex talk.

Music Selection:

This show is about:

Best animation in the whole series.

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This episode is also known as: You can’t get a handjob… well, I mean you can. Anywhere.

In this episode of the Fast Karate Book Club, Dave, Joel, and Jon tackle Jake Adelstein’s Tokyo Vice. The moral of this collection of stories: abandon your family, mourn for the sex industry and its patrons, and keep working overtime even if you have terminal cancer. It’s the feel-good book of the decade.

Music Selection: Ehhhhhhhhhhh

This show is about:

Why do you taste so good?

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This show also known as: UH-KATAWA A-SHOUJO.

SUPER SPOILERS FOR Mass Effect 3! Also, I guess the internet is mad at me because I didn’t like Katawa Shoujo.

Music Selection:

This show is about:

YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND MY FEEL.

For those bored of RPGs, DON’T WORRY. We have other games in the queue, including Asura’s Wrath and the new Silent Hill. We’ll stream those games intermittently with whatever RPG we decide to do. This poll may influence us, but who knows!

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This episode is also known as: THAT WAS WHEN I SAW THE PENDULUM

Iron Fist Paul Chapman lends his aid to Jon in the fight against Foucault’s Pendulum. But how do you discuss a novel you’ve not even finished? The same way you review Roots Search: harshly. Antipathy draws a broad, easy path.

Music Selection: Now-defunct Portsmouth band The Complete Strangers’ “Into the Kitchen.” Why do the early 2000s feel forever ago already?

This show is about:

The only way I could talk about this book for almost an hour.

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This show also known as: Just Gotta Be Skinny

Brief non-spoiler Mass Effect 3 Multiplayer interlude before we delve into the meat of Bubblegum Crash. However there ARE somewhat minor Heavy Rain spoilers towards the end, if you care about that.

Music Selection: I’M SO EXCITED. I’M SO EXCITED. HAVE I MADE THIS JOKE BEFORE ON THIS PODCAST.

(the worst part of that Saved by the Bell shit was she was addicted to Caffeine Pills)

This show is about:

My new favorite picture on the internet!

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This show also known as: Press G To HOLD Grenades.

What up Syndicate. Given your pedigree, you never had a chance, but it would have helped if you were better than “only okay.” Also, sorry if my audio sounds clicky: I had to use a USB headset instead of my regular mic and my fat head makes the headset move around a lot.

Music Selection: WEEEPWOOOPWOOOPWEEEP. Here is the one dubstep reference this podcast will ever make.

This show is about:

Everyone gather ’round, it’s Rip Torn Day!

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This show also known as: Your Entire Being Will Be Pulled Into A Single Point At Your Junk.

This podcast is about Kingdoms of Amalur (bigs up to our boy Nino [Brown]). But before that let’s gush about Mass Effect and segue nicely into HOLY CRAP DESSERT HOAGIES.

Music Selection:

This show is about:

Not pictured: an actual dessert hoagie. This nasty-ass piece of crap has nothing on what was described in this podcast.

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This show also known as: Shitty Pudding.

Rusty Hearts? WE GOT ANOTHER NAME FOR IT. However, this show is more about pie embezzlement and twitter questions… about pie embezzlement.

Music Selection:

This show is about:

The face of the enemy.

Oh, yay! An execution! Given this, and my inauspicious arrival in Skyrim at the beginning of the game, I’m beginning to wonder if the empire does anything but executions.

Pretty much, no.

Let it never be said that Super King Awesome is the squeamish type. Let it also never be said that he is above corpse-robbing, even when that corpse is recently dead and within eyeshot of many witnesses.

Hey, it nets us a pretty sweet amulet. Worth it!

The executioner, perhaps inspired by our moxie, turns to ask us a question:

I DIDN’T DO NOTHIN’ YOU DIDN’T SEE… Oh, uh… I mean, I’m busy. Some other time, maybe?

We don’t like to make a habit of doing favors for people who callously cut off dudes’ heads, even if cutting of dudes’ heads is what got us our new bling.

By the time we reason out that befriending the executioner is probably more survivable than not befriending the executioner we’ve already infiltrated the castle.

THE Castle.

The heart of the Empire, as I understand it.

Wasn’t that hard, I pretty much walked in.

This guy doesn’t seem to mind.

So it turns out that “this guy” was one of the guys who was going to murder us at the beginning of the game. What the shit is that about? I mean, it’s cool that he’s not continually trying to murder me (i.e.: right now), but it’s kind of douchey to just be like “Oh, yeah, I guess we were gonna execute you for some nebulous crime but we got bored of it so no bigs.”

They try to offer us a job. Super King accepts, because a hefty quest log is just sort of what happens in these games, but we’ll see if we actually get around to it.

Prediction: not likely.

Anyway, there are more important matters to deal with.

No I do not want to play your stupid “hoo-man” game of “tag.”

Okay, yes, I actually do.

Human children are confirmed to be as boring and terrible in Skyrim as they are in real life, so they don’t hold Super King’s attention for too particularly long. He plays tag only until the sun goes down, at which point he remembers his mission is to talk to some guy at a bar.

“Our mutual friend sent me” has to be the easiest spy-code to crack in the entire world.

If you’ll remember, the chick from the last chapter sent us with this SUPER GREAT PLAN to infiltrate and embassy full of racists.

The cart ride over gives us plenty of time to practice for our role. We write down answers to all the questions one might expect to hear at a diplomacy party, questions such as: “Hey, dinosaur, seeing as how you hail from a race of SLAVE PEOPLE why is it that you’re attending this party in fancy clothes and not, for example, shackles or a sexy maid costume?”

Fuck, being a dinosaur is so hard.

The chief racist seems to suspect nothing, so we decide to mingle.

If by “mingle” you mean “steal every piece of food we can carry”

And they just let us! Nobody bats an eye!

We meet a cavalcade of crap-bags, like this fine specimen:

Indeed. Not all Nords value strength of arms and honor, just the ones who couldn’t stand to lose twenty or thirty pounds, you ham-beast.

We’re told by the bartender — who is also the “mutual friend” — to make a distraction. Not a problem! We just get some booze for the one guy there who doesn’t seem like a total tool.

Have at it, dude.

We are reticent to leave while he starts telling completely lewd jokes about our racist host, but hey, the mission comes first.

I guess.

We’re lead through the kitchen on the way to our secret mission, the objective of which we have already forgotten.

Quick pit-stop to steal some cheese.

The dark elf-bartender-mutual friend guy drops us off at the back door and says good luck. What, you’re not coming with?

QUIET. VOICES IN THE HALLWAY. Gotta do this quiet.

Steady now, steady now…

Ooops.

A couple episodes ago someone in the comments said “be careful leveling up a bunch in blacksmithing and stuff and not raising your combat skills, that will make things harder for you.”

I was like “Whatever.“

Now I am like “He may have had a point…”

Thus commences “Operation: Hide In A Place The Enemy Can’t Path To And Shoot Arrows At Them”

Works pretty well until they start summoning beings of elemental flame.

What the hell I hate this dumb castle.

But, having shot about four hundred arrows, we do find our way to the prison cell. Is that why we were here? The only reason I showed up is because there was literally only one path, and there was an objective arrow on my compass pointing me right at the damned door.

Some guy’s getting tortured, pretty much don’t care about that.

Oh wait, they saw us. Time to murder everyone in the room, I guess.

We should not be surprised that this guy is the object of our question, but who knew? It’s not like we were paying attention to the mission briefing.

It’s also not like we’re paying attention to the tortured guy still hanging on the wall. Not with all this prime beef just hanging around in people’s pockets.

Do with that double entendre what you will, I only wanted to point out that I know I made it.

Some time in the interim the dark elf bartender has been kidnapped, so I guess we kill a bunch of guys to free him. You know, for a diplomacy mission, this sure has involved us killing pretty much everyone on the estate.

Whiny McWhinerson barely takes time to thank us:

I hope it was worth it?! I DON’T CARE. I NEVER CARED. I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME.

So the three of them, the prisoner, the bartender, and the dinosaur, stride out into freedom through the trapdoor that leads into a mineshaft and takes them immediately out of the dungeon and off of the estate and…

HEY WAIT WHY DIDN’T WE JUST TAKE THIS ENTRANCE AND SKIP THE WHOLE STUPID MANSION.

Uh, I mean, aside from the Frost Trolls.